This’ll be quick. The Brits are shit. I don’t need to go into this. It was true last year where it seemed the only purpose of its existence was to attempt to ‘break’ America. Don’t believe me? Rewatch it. Look how many times they mentioned getting artists like Tinie Tempah and Adele to play and sell in USA. It wasn’t, isn’t and will never be a celebration of British music. It was, is and will be a cynical marketing tool to get more money for lowest common denomenator music while artificially manufacturing the latest mega-sellers. By this I am referring to the ‘Critic’s Choice Award’. Which can just fuck right off.
Anyway, here’s how to stay sane on the night that anyone with any taste will feel like Britain, the home of the greatest musicians of all time (The Beatles, The Stones, Led Zep, Black Sabbath, David Bowie, The Sex Pistols, The Smiths… the list goes on) has forfieted all right toits musical heritage.
1 – The Shit Choice / James Corden Drinking Game
This is a very simple competition. Every time their is a stupid result – like Bruno Mars winning anything – Drink an entire bottle of vodka. Without stopping. You’ll never worry about their choices again.
The slight variant is just to drink a pint every time you see James Corden, just at all – if he’s in the background, if he’s presenting. For bonus shots drink everytime he does that massive laugh OR acts really serious. This means you spend all your time looking for him on the screen and can forget about the nightmare in front of you.
2 – Your choices through the ages.
This is more serious, but better with other music fans. Every category (e.g. best british group) you have to decide on a winner for all of time (answer: The Beatles). If played properly, serious arguments will ensue as to whether or not you can put Morrissey in best british male or whether ot not there were any good british female musicians ever. (answer – PJ Harvey, biatch).
3 – The Alternative Category Game
Wait till you know the nominees/winner, then together with some mates, discuss the probable category that they just won. E.g. Ed Sheeran ‘artist most likely to be someone your friend went to school’ with or ‘most popular ginger’.
4 – Listen to something decent.
Seriously the best option, you can just forget this ridiculous charade exists and play some awesome music by the many good artists Britain has produced. Here is an array of videos that might just restore your faith in England.